Currently Listening Instant Karma: The Amnesty International Campaign to Save Darfur By Various Artists see related

Cannibals, Vegetables, and Vampires.

I wonder what it would be like to have restaurant for cannibals.

"Hey, what's the special today?"

"Steve Johanson."

"Mmm. That sounds nice. I'll have that and a Diet Coke."

___

I was looking at my friend's new bicycle the other day. The name of the model was written on the side of it. It was called the "POWER CLIMBER." This was all well and good, except I read it wrong. I mistook the L and the I together for a U. I thought it said "POWER CUMBER." I realized my mistake and laughed to myself. Later, as I was thinking about it, an idea struck me like a tazer to the genitals. What if there really were a product called the Power Cumber? It would be like a regular cucumber, but injected with caffine and herbal suppliments, giving it the effects of an energy drink. This would definitely sell with the fitness freaks, as they would feel more healthy eating a super-charged vegetable for energy than drinking a carbonated drink. Then I thought of a hole line of energy-injected fruits and veggies like Power Melon, Power Nana, Power Tato, and Power Bacon. The last one isn't really a fruit or vegetable, but everyone loves bacon, right? So if anyone would like to partner with me in this business venture.. I'll be taking out a loan at the bank tomorrow. And for those that doubt me.. you will eat your words. The Power Cumber revolution is coming.. and it's going to change our lives forever.

___

Someone asked me a very odd, yet intriguing question that other day. The question was, "Can a vampire contract the AIDS virus from biting an AIDS infected victim?" I pondered the question for the better part of an hour and a half before finally giving in and doing some research. I decided the most reliable, accurate, and trustworthy source of information would be the internet. Some people say the interent isn't always right. But why would anyone take the time to post false information? That's crazy. They wouldn't do that. Therefore, I concluded that everything you read on the internet is true. After my research took me through Wikipedia, several historical sites about vampires, and some very odd and disturbing pornography, I came to my conclusion and answer to the question. Yes, a vampire can contract the AIDS virus having bitten an AIDS infected victim. However, considering that a vampire can only be killed by a stake through the heart, sunlight, holy water or decapitation, the AIDS virus is only a minor inconvenience to the vampire. The extent of the hardships faced by the AIDS infected vampire will most like be teasing and things of that sort. Alas, the vampire must be prepared to have songs from the musical "Rent" sang to him by his peers on a daily basis.

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Quote of The Blog

They say the mountain holds many secrets, but the biggest is this: "I am a fake mountain." -Jack Handey

___

Until next time..

With Love,

Kellen

wow.

it's been a while i've been on here.

almost a year.

life left xanga behind.

i should post something soon.

maybe i'll do that.

-kellen

Currently Listening St. Elsewhere see related

Answers To The Questions That Everyone Is Asking

Here's a little known fact about me. Back in 1973 I ran for a Senate seat in Kentucky. I would've had it in the bag if it weren't for a completely false mud slinging campaign started by my opponent George Vandersmoot claiming that I had an illegitimate son. I couldn't believe the people were buying into such poppycock. I had to hide my illegitimate son Charlie in my basement for thirteen months while the election played out. Regardless, I lost the election, and a little bit of my pride. Charlie lost his spleen and a foot due to malnourishment. But in the end, I think we all came out a little wiser in the ways of the world.

Hi there, kids. I've come back to you with another healthy dose of pure rubbish. Today I'd like to talk about an important issue. Of course, some of you may not consider this issue so important, and therefore, you can suck it. For I see this issue to be one that has been plaguing not just the American people, but mankind, for centuries. The issue I speak of is has to do with questions and answers. Mankind has been asking the same questions since it discovered what a question was.. and many of them have never been answered. And now.. I, Kellen Marie Hodgeson III, feel that it is my duty, and my service to mankind, to answer those questions once and for all. Hence, I have compiled a list of what I feel are the most important questions that must be answered posthaste to ensure that safety and stability of all the earth. So here, for the first time ever, are the answers to all the questions that everyone's been asking.

**Disclaimer: The life-altering truths that are exposed below may be far too powerful for the week minded, small children, most woodland creatures, and the states of New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Wyoming, Virginia, West Viginia, Ohio, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Idaho, North and South Dakota, Alaska, and Montana. By scrolling down, the reader hereby agrees that Kellen is not responsible for any injuries to the mind and/or body of the reader. Read on, and bare the weight upon your shoulders.**

We will approach this in an orderly manner. The questions will appear in bold, with the answers below in conventional type. Now, it's been far long enough, let us get to the profound business at hand.

QUESTION: How much wood would a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?

ANSWER: First off, everyone should be informed that the Wood Chuck is a mythical creature. It does not exist in today's society. It was created in the 1700s by British settlers, and I believe was described as looking like a combination of a beaver and the Brawny paper towel man. Although many believe such a name should mean that the Wood Chuck would be a superb chucker of wood, this was not the case. My research shows that the Wood Chuck was bred for its shiny coat and husky baritone singing voice. I consider the question completely irrelevant to the legacy of the mighty Wood Chuck, but if pressed, I would say five. Five woods chucked in about a half an hour.

QUESTION: Why does the world go 'round?

ANSWER: Science. That's why.

QUESTION: How many monkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANSWER: I find this question completely ridiculous. Come on, we live in the South. Anything even remotely supporting the theory of evolution is completely unacceptable. I'd say the said monkey(or monkeys) wouldn't make it near the socket, much less make an attempt at screwing in the bulb, before being shot or lynched. It's sad to say, but old Uncle Jimmy sure don't want any of that scientific mumbo-jumbo poisoning young Betsy Lou's good Christian education.

QUESTION: Who killed Kennedy?

ANSWER: Now folks, this one's quite the bombshell. I did some heavy research, payed off a few of the right people, and tea-bagged a ninety-two year old woman to get this information. It may shock you.. but the man who killed JFK is none other than... LORD ZED. Yes, that's right. The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers' arch nemesis, Lord Zed. The Rangers tried to thwart the attack, but Zed had released one of his monsters loose upon their home town of Angel Grove. And seeing as how the Power Rangers never seemed to bother protecting anywhere besides their beloved home, they were completely distracted. Seeing as this was a colossal failure for both the Rangers, and the Fox Network, the episode never aired. Shortly after, Fox made the call to Zordon, and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were changed to Power Rangers: Zeo, replacing most of the original cast.

QUESTION: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

ANSWER: Twelve. Yep, twelve.

And finally..

QUESTION: Why are we here?

ANSWER: Literally? Well, the sex. Seriously, Neither you nor me would be here today if our parents hadn’t gotten hopped up and made some bad decisions. Now, if you were wanting more of the spiritual answer, leaning more towards our purpose for existing.. I’d say the sex. That’s just me making a wild guess. If you want to find the real reason, try finding Jesus Christ, Allah, Jewish God, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, Krishna, or Dick Clark.(He was there when it all began.)

There it is, my friends. The answers to it all. I know you’re probably sitting at your computer saying, “That’s it? There’s a million more questions out there! I want to know why the dinosaurs died!” Honestly, yes.. There are alot more questions that I could answer, but frankly, get the fuck off my back. Learn to find things out for yourselves. I can’t spoon feed you all the time.

**QUOTE OF THE POST**

"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." - Jack Handey

Until next time..

-Kellen

Currently Reading Shopgirl. By Steve Martin see related

A Lesson Learned

I was doing a carry out for an old lady the other day at work. And there.. walking through the parking lot of Wal-Mart.. in McAlester, Oklahoma.. was Tony Danza. I mean really.. Tony Danza. You can imagine my shock, so I chased him down and tackled him. It was only after I beat him to death with his own shoe that I realized it wasn't Tony Danza. But I didn't tell the crowd of people watching that.. and boy did they cheer.

Well, I'm back again. In case you forgot.. I'm Kellen. This is my little blog about the little things that plague me. Some call me pessimistic, some call me whiney, some call me Daddy.. but we won't get into that now. Most call me Kellen.. and that's fine by me. Today I'm going to use my blog-time to tell you off a horrible experience I had the other day. It happened at work. The story goes like this:

Sometime's work gets hard, and in those times, one tends to get tired while standing at the register. This can cause grumpiness, which can cause complaints from customers. It was around 9 o'clock at night, and I was getting tired. I was given my time off for break, and started my quest to find a nice chilled drink to get me going. As I looked, a fellow cashier named Kyle suggested that I grab an energy drink. He then told me of some good, cheap ones that were back by the deli. I heard the word cheap, and immediately started my trek back to the deli. Once I reached my meaty smelling destination, I layed eyes upon one of the most intriguing things to ever  be placed before them. It was called "Lightning Bolt", The Official Energy Drink of Steven Seagal. For those of you who may be wondering, Stephen Seagal is an actor. He has starred in countless mildy successful martial arts films. Although he has been lost in the fray with all the other martials arts seudo-stars such as Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and of course, the only true star of them all, Chuck Norris. 

I was amazed, as I had never seen a celebrity endorse such a product before. Yes, the can art was completely dorky, the price was also a factor, as it was a dollar, and was as large as a can of Monster. I had made up my mind.. I was going to buy this energy drink enigma and try it for myself. Now the only thing left to decide was the flavor. Unlike most energy drinks, Steven Seagal had to take it up a notch and offer not one, but two flavors. The first to catch my eye was "Cherry Charge", but as I'm no a fan of charry flavoring by itself, I moved on to the can beside it. This can was labeled "Asian Experience." Yes, that's right, "Asian Experience." In no way is Steven Seagal asian, so this confused me. But alas, the name of the flavor was almost as intriguing as the drink itself. I immediatley purchased it, popped the top, and took a drink. What hit my beckoning palet was by far one of the most disgusting tastes I had ever been subject to in my life. It was like carbonated olive juice, with a hint of natural grape. I then became nauseous, and needed to sit down. I could still smell it, and feel it on my lips. It was simply terrible. I had yet to find an energy drink that I didn't like, until Mr. Seagal had decided to bless us with this little gem.  So this is a warning to you all, unless you are stranded, dying of thirst, and can't muster up the courage to drink you're own urine.. DO NOT try the Steven Seagal evergy drink.

I'll be honest with you, though, I don't regret it. It was a life experience. You win some, and you lose some. Mr. Seagal deffinitely one this one. I couldn't handle his abominable, libido dampening concoction. But overall, Steven Seagal's evergy drink comes off primarily like his movies, cheesy and disappointing.

*Quote Of The Post* 

"I was raised in Japan. I was schooled in martial arts. I was given the title of master. They take a movie 'The Last Samurai'. They have a a five foot two inch little guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don't know. I don't care. He had never been to Japan. He doesn't speak Japanese. He has never held a sword. They make him the last samurai."  - Steven Seagal on Tom Cruise starring in "The Last Samurai"

Until next time..

- Kellen

Currently Listening We Don't Need to Whisper By Angels and Airwaves see related

Scientology and The Department Store Cashier

Did you know you have to pay $4,000 to join Scientology? It's a fee for a "starter package" into the religion. That is completely appalling.. they want you to pay money to join their religion. The whole thing is a giant money scam. They should want to help you.. therefore letting you join for free. Christians pass around an offering plate.. but it's totally optional. Although you do get that terribly guilty feeling of Jesus watching you as you pass the plate down without contributing. But a mandatory fee of four grand? Ridiculous. I mean.. Yeah, I payed it. But I better get to meet Tom Cruise..

Hello all, It's Kellen again. It's been some time since my last update.. but get used to it. I am not in control of my summer any longer. It is run by that merciless monster that we call Wal-Mart. Since Kellen is a teenager, they want give him hour late into the night so the old people of the day shift can make it home in time for Nightline. But it pays.. and Kellen needs money. Which brings me to speak to you today about a new movement I am following, and no, it's not Scientology or Women's Aerobics.

**To ensure the safety of my job.. I will be censoring my following statement. It is made about a job that I may or may not be currently working at. My place of employment will be called.. oh say.. Happy-Mart. Enjoy.**

Be nice to your cashiers. The fact that you are shopping at Happy-Mart, and we work there, does not make you better than me. We're sorry if you have to wait in line for 30 minutes to check out.. we are doing our best, and it's your fault for coming to Happy-Mart at 2 PM on a Saturday. We're sorry if it takes us over 5 mintues to ring up your items.. you do have 144 of them. And yes.. We'd be glad to price comp those 37 items so you can save 68 cents from your total. And we absolutely love it when you beat your children in line. It causes quite the embarassing scene, and displays your wonderfully terrible parenting skills. We are so fond of the way that you come to our register mad at the fact that you're even in Happy-Mart. We're sorry if you're having a bad day, or are experiencing some sort of personal anguish, but there is no need to take it out on your cashier. Your ridiculous complaints and criticisms are welcome.. but we most likely won't be taking them into consideration. We are simply there to smile and scan. Thank you and have a great day.

That's all the post I can post out tonight, kids. So here's something to tickle your fancy..

*Quote To Your Mother*

“Normally, I don’t support anything bipartisan. Actually, I don’t support anything with the prefix ‘bi’. Bilingual, bisexual, bicycle—they all smack of moral weakness. You wanna send a strong messege? Make love to a member of the opposite sex, while speaking English, on a unicycle. It’s harder than it sounds.”  - Stephen Colbert

Until next time..

-Kellen